The Seven Challenges Workbook: A Guide to Cooperative Communication Skills for Success at Home and Work

from: to:
The Seven Challenges Workbook
Cooperative Communication Skills
for Success at Home and at Work
(asfeaturedonwww.NewConversations.net)
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
astructured,intensiveexploration
ofsevenchallengingskills
foralifetimeofbettercommunication
inwork,family,friendship&community
–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––
Dennis Rivers, M.A.
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human development books
Berkeley, California, and Eugene, Oregon, USA
www.hudevbooks.com
Sixth Edition -- January 2008Dedicated to St. Francis of Assisi and those like him in every faith.
Where there is a clash of wills, may we bring a meeting of hearts.
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The Seven Challenges Workbook -- 2008 Edition
Cooperative Communication Skills for Success at Home and at Work
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Page
INTRODUCTION HOW THIS WORKBOOK CAME TO BE, MY QUEST Intro-1
AND FOR THE SEVEN CHALLENGES, AND HOW WE
OVERVIEW BENEFIT FROM A MORE COOPERATIVE STYLE OF
LISTENING AND TALKING
CHALLENGE LISTENING MORE CAREFULLY AND RESPONSIVELY 1-1
ONE
Exercise 1-1: Active Listening.
Exercise 1-2: Learning from the past with the 1-7
tools of the present. 1-8
CHALLENGE EXPLAINING YOUR CONVERSATIONAL INTENT 2-1
TWO AND INVITING CONSENT
Exercise 2-1: Explaining the kind of conversation 2-4
you want to have.
Exercise 2-2: Exploring conversational 2-6
intentions that create problems.
CHALLENGE EXPRESSING YOURSELF MORE CLEARLY AND 3-1
THREE COMPLETELY
Exercise: Exploring the Five Messages. 3-4
Reading 3-1: Saying What's In Our Hearts 3-8
Reading 3-2: Peer Counseling With the Five 3-11
Messages
CHALLENGE TRANSLATING COMPLAINTS AND CRITICISMS 4-1
FOUR INTO REQUESTS
Exercise 4-1: Working on your life situations. 4-3
Reading + Exercise 4-2: Letting Go of Fear 4-4
by David Richo, PhD
Reading + Exercise 4-3: Trying Out The 4-11
Cooperative Communication Skills Emergency KitPage
CHALLENGE ASKING QUESTIONS MORE "OPEN-ENDEDLY"
FIVE AND MORE CREATIVELY
Part 1: Asking questions more "open-endedly." 5-1
Exercise 5-1: Using questions to reach out. 5-2
Exercise 5-2: Translating "yes-no" questions. 5-3
Part 2: Asking questions more creatively. 5-4
Exercise 5-3: Expanding your tool kit of creative 5-6
questions.
Reading 5-1: Radical Questions for Critical 5-9
Times, by Sam Keen, PhD
CHALLENGE EXPRESSING MORE APPRECIATION 6-1
SIX
Research on the power of appreciation and 6-1
gratefulness
Exploring the personal side of gratefulness 6-2
Exercise 6-1: Events to be grateful for 6-4
Exploring Three-Part Appreciations 6-6
Exercise 6-2: Expressing appreciation in three 6-9
parts
CHALLENGE FOCUS ON LEARNING: MAKE RESPONDING TO THE FIRST 7-1
SEVEN SIX CHALLENGES AN IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR
EVERYDAY LIVING
Exercise: A homework assignment for the rest of 7-2
our lives.
Perspectives on the power of communication: 7-5
Reading 7-1: Keep on Singing Michael 7-5
Reading 7-2: Guy Louis Gabaldon - a 7-6
compassionate warrior saves the lives of a
thousand people
Reading 7-3: What Kind of Person am I 7-8
Becoming? What Kind of People are We
Becoming Together? By Dennis Rivers
APPENDIX Suggestions for further study: Great books on A1-1
ONE interpersonal communication
APPENDIX Suggestions for starting a cooperative A2-1
TWO communication skills peer support groupPage Intro-1
THE SEVEN CHALLENGES WORKBOOK -- WWW.NEWCONVERSATIONS.NET
Communication Skills Introduction and Overview
HOW THIS WORKBOOK CAME TO BE, MY QUEST FOR THE SEVEN CHALLENGES,
AND HOW WE BENEFIT FROM A MORE COOPERATIVE
STYLE OF LISTENING AND TALKING
Searching for what is most important. workbook has been known for decades, but that
This workbook proposes seven ways to guide does not mean that everyone has been able to
your conversations in directions that are more benefit from it. This workbook is my
satisfying for both you and your conversation contribution toward closing that gap.
partners. I have selected these suggestions from
How we benefit from learning and using a
the work of a wide range of communication
more cooperative style. I have selected for this
teachers, therapists and researchers in many
workbook the seven most powerful, rewarding
fields. While these seven skills are not all a
and challenging steps I have discovered in my
person needs to know about talking, listening
own struggle to connect with people and heal
and resolving conflicts, I believe they are a large
the divisions in my family. None of this came
and worthwhile chunk of it, and a great place to
naturally to me, as I come from a family that
begin.
includes people who did not talk to one another
The interpersonal communication field for decades at a time. The effort is bringing me
suffers from a kind of "embarrassment of some of each of the good results listed below
riches." There is so much good advice out there (and I am still learning). These are the kinds of
that I doubt than any one human being could benefits that are waiting to be awakened by the
ever follow it all. To cite just one example of magic wand… of your study and practice.
many, in the early 1990s communication coach
1 Get more done, have more fun, which could
Kare Anderson wrote a delightful book about
also be stated as better coordination of your life
negotiation that included one hundred specific
activities with the life activities of the people
ways to get more of what you want. The
who are important to you. Living and working
problem is that no one I know can carry on a
with others are communication-intensive
conversation and juggle one hundred pieces of
activities. The better we understand what other
advice in his or her mind at the same time.
people are feeling and wanting, and the more
So lurking behind all that good advice is the clearly others understand our goals and feelings,
issue of priorities: What is most important to the easier it will be to make sure that everyone is
focus on? What kinds of actions will have the pulling in the same direction.
most positive effects on people's lives? This
More respect. Since there is a lot of mutual
workbook is my effort to answer those
imitation in everyday communication (I raise my
questions. My goal is to summarize what many
voice, you raise your voice, etc.), when we adopt
agree are the most important principles of good
a more compassionate and respectful attitude
interpersonal communication, and to describe
toward our conversation partners, we invite and
these principles in ways that make them easier
influence them to do the same toward us.
to remember, easier to adopt and easier to weave
together. Much of the information in this More influence. When we practice the
combination of responsible honesty and
1 attentiveness recommended here, we are more
Kare Anderson, GettingWhatYouWant.New
likely to engage other people and reach
York: Dutton. 1993.
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agreements that everyone can live with, we are study that point to supportive relationships as a
more likely to get what we want, and for reasons key factor in helping people survive life-
2
we won't regret later. threatening illnesses. To the degree that we use
cooperative communication skills to both give
More comfortable with conflict. Because
and receive more emotional support, we will
each person has different talents, there is much
greatly enhance our chances of living longer and
to be gained by people working together, and
healthier lives.
accomplishing together what none could do
alone. But because each person also has
different needs and views, there will always be
some conflict in living and working with others.
By understanding more of what goes on in
conversations, we can become better team
problem solvers and conflict navigators.
Learning to listen to others more deeply can
increase our confidence that we will be able to
engage in a dialogue of genuine give and take,
and be able to help generate problem solutions
Respecting the mountain we are about to
that meet more of everyone's needs.
climb together: why learning to talk and
listen in new ways is challenging. I hope
More peace of mind. Because every action
putting these suggestions into practice will
we take toward others reverberates for months
(or years) inside our own minds and bodies, surprise you with delightful and heartfelt
conversations you never imagined were
adopting a more peaceful and creative attitude in
possible, just as I was surprised. And at the
our interaction with others can be a significant
way of lowering our own stress levels. Even in same time, I do not want to imply that learning
unpleasant situations, we can feel good about new communication skills is easy.
our own skillful responses. I wish the skills I describe in this workbook
could be presented as "Seven Easy Ways to
More satisfying closeness with others.
Communicate Better." But in reality, the
Learning to communicate better will get us
recommendations that survived my sifting and
involved with exploring two big questions:
ranking demand a lot of effort. Out of respect
"What's going on inside of me?" and "What's
for you, I feel the need to tell you that making
going on inside of you?" Modern life is so full
big, positive changes in the way you
of distractions and entertainments that many
communicate with others will probably be one
people don't know their own hearts very well,
of the most satisfying and most difficult tasks
nor the hearts of others nearby. Exercises in
you will ever take on, akin to climbing Mt.
listening can help us listen more carefully and
Everest. If I misled you into assuming these
reassure our conversation partners that we really
changes were easy to make, you would be
do understand what they are going through.
vulnerable to becoming discouraged by the first
Exercises in self-expression can help us ask for
steep slope. Fore-warned of the amount of
what we want more clearly and calmly.
effort involved, you can plan for the long climb.
A healthier life. In his book, Love and My deepest hope is that if you understand the
3
Survival, Dr. Dean Ornish cites study after following four reasons why learning new
2 3
Thanks to communication skills teacher Dean Ornish, MD, LoveandSurvival. New York:
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg for this pithy saying. HarperCollins. 1998. Chap. 2.
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communication skills is challenging, that under- others and less threatened by them. Changes as
standing will help you to be more patient and significant as these happen over months and
more forgiving with yourself and others. years rather than in a single weekend.
A third side of the communications mountain
First of all, learning better communication
concerns self-observation. In the course of
skills requires a lot of effort because cooperation
living our attention is generally pointed out
between people is a much more complex and
toward other people and the world around us.
mentally demanding process than coercing,
As we talk and joke, comfort others and
threatening or just grabbing what you want. The
negotiate with them, we are often lost in the
needs of two people (or many) are involved
flow of interaction.
rather than just the needs of one. And thinking
Communicating more
about the wants of two people (and how those
cooperatively involves
wants might overlap) is a giant step beyond
4 exerting a gentle
simply feeling one's own wants.
influence to guide
The journey from fighting over the rubber
conversations toward
ducky to learning how to share it is the longest happier endings for all
journey a child will ever make, a journey that the participants. But
leads far beyond childhood. Reaching this in order to guide or
higher level of skill and fulfillment in living and steer an unfolding
working with others requires effort, conscious process, a person
attention, and practice with other people. needs to be able to
observe that process.
A second reason that learning more effective
So communicating
and satisfying communication skills does not
more cooperatively
happen automatically is that our way of
and more satisfyingly
communicating with others is deeply woven into
requires that we learn
our personalities, into the history of our hearts.
how to participate in our conversations and
For example, if, when I was little, someone
observe them at the very same time! It takes a
slapped me across the face or yelled at me every
while to grow into this participating and
time I spoke up and expressed a want or
observing at the same time. At first we look
opinion, then I probably would have developed
back on conversations that we have had and try
a very sensible aversion to talking about what I
to understand what went well and what went
was thinking or feeling. It may be true that no
badly. Gradually we can learn to bring that
one is going to hit me now, but a lot of my brain
cells may not know that yet. So learning new observing awareness into our conversations.
ways of communicating gets us involved in
learning new ways of feeling in and feeling
A final reason (four is surely enough) that
about all our relationships with people. We can
learning new communication skills takes effort
become more confident and less fearful, more
is that we are surrounded by a flood of bad
skillful and less clumsy, more understanding of
examples. Every day movies and TV offer us a
4 continuing stream of vivid images of sarcasm,
I am grateful to the books of developmental
fighting, cruelty, fear and mayhem. And as beer
psychologist Robert Kegan, The Evolving Self and In
Over Our Heads: The Mental Demands of Modern Life, and cigarette advertisers have proven beyond a
(both Harvard Univ. Press) for introducing me to the idea shadow of a doubt, you can get millions of
that cooperation is more mentally demanding than
people to do something if you just show enough
coercion. After that idea, nothing in human communi-
vivid pictures of folks already doing it. So at
cation looked the same.
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some very deep level we are being educated by practical principle: model the behavior you want
5
the mass media to fail in our relationships. For to evoke from other people. The Seven
every movie about people making peace with Challenges are also examples of another saying
one another, there seem to be a hundred movies of Gandhi's: "the means are the ends."
about people hacking each other to death with Communicating more awarely and
chainsaws or literally kicking one another in the compassionately can be satisfying ends in
face, which are not actions that will help you or themselves, both emotion-ally and spiritually.
me solve problems at home or at the office. They also build happier families and more
Learning to relate to others generally involves successful businesses.
following examples, but our examples of
A brief summary of each challenge is
interpersonal skill and compassion are few and
given in the paragraphs that follow, along
far between.
with some of the lifelong issues of personal
These are the reasons that have led me to see development that are woven through each one.
learning new communication skills as a In Chapters One through Seven you will find
demanding endeavor. My hope is that you will expanded descriptions of each one, with
look at improving your communication skills as discussions, examples, exercises and readings to
a long journey, like crossing a mountain range, help you explore each suggestion in action.
so that you will feel more like putting effort and
attention into the process, and thus will get more Challenge 1. Listen more carefully and
out of it. Living a fully human life is responsively. Listen first and acknowledge what
surprisingly similar to playing baseball or you hear, even if you don't agree with it, before
playing the violin. Getting better at each expressing your experience or point of view. In
requires continual practice. You probably order to get more of your conversation partner's
already accept this principle in relation to many attention in tense situations, pay attention first:
human activities. I hope this workbook will listen and give a brief restatement of what you
encourage and support you in applying it to your have heard (especially feelings) before you
own talking, listening and asking questions. express your own needs or position. The kind
of listening recommended here separates
acknowledging from approving or agreeing.
Seven ways of being the change you want
Acknowledging another person's thoughts and
to see. Because conversations are a bringing
feelings does not have to mean that you
together of both persons' contributions, when
approve of or agree with that person's actions
you initiate a positive change in your way of
or way of experiencing, or that you will do
talking and listening, you can single-handedly
whatever someone asks.
begin to change the quality of all your
conversations. The actions described in this ² Some of the deeper levels of this first step
work-book are seven examples of "being the include learning to listen to your own heart, and
change you want to see" (a saying I recently saw learning to encounter identities and integrities
attributed to Mahatma Gandhi, the great teacher quite different from your own, while still
of nonviolence). remaining centered in your own sense of self.
While this may sound very idealistic and Challenge 2. Explain your conversational
self-sacrificing, you can also under-stand it as a intent and invite consent. In order to help your
conversation partner cooperate with you and to
5 reduce possible misunderstandings, start
For an extended examination of this issue, see
important conversations by inviting your
Sissela Bok, Mayhem:ViolenceasPublicEntertainment.
Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley. 1998. conversation partner to join you in the specific
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kind of conversation you want to have. The 4. What action, ...andIwanttoask
more the conversation is going to mean to you, information or youtohelpmedo
the more important it is for your conversation commitment you thedishesright
partner to understand the big picture. Many want to request now...
successful communicators begin special now?
conversations with a preface that goes
something like: "I would like to talk with you 5. What positive ...sothatdinner
forafewminutesabout[subjectmatter]. When results will willbereadyby
would be a good time?" The exercise for this receiving that thetimeMikeand
step will encourage you to expand your list of action, information Joegethere."
possible conversations and to practice starting a or commitment lead
wide variety of them. to in the future?
² Some deeper levels of this second step
include learning to be more aware of and honest
about your intentions, gradually giving up Anytime one person sincerely listens to
another, a very creative process is going on in
intentions to injure, demean or punish, and
learning to treat other people as consenting which the listener mentally reconstructs the
speaker's experience. The more facets or
equals whose participation in conversation with dimensions of your experience you share with
us is a gift and not an obligation
easy-to-grasp "I statements," the easier it will be
Challenge 3. Express yourself more clearly for your conversation partner to reconstruct your
and completely. Slow down and give your experience accurately and understand what you
listeners more information about what you are are feeling. This is equally worthwhile whether
experiencing by using a wide range of "I- you are trying to solve a problem with someone
statements." One way to help get more of your or trying to express appreciation for them.
listener's empathy is to express more of the five Expressing yourself this carefully might appear
basic dimensions of your experience: Here is to take longer than your usual quick style of
an example using the five main "I-messages" communication. But if you include all the time
identified by various researchers over the past it takes to unscramble everyday
half century: (Please read down the columns.) misunderstandings, and to work through the
feelings that usually accompany not being
The Five I-Messages = Example of a understood, expressing yourself more com-
Five dimensions "Five I-Message" pletely can actually take a lot less time.
of experience communication
² Some deeper levels of this third step include
1. What are you "WhenIsawthe developing the courage to tell the truth, growing
seeing, hearing or dishesinthesink... beyond blame in under-standing painful
otherwise sensing?. experiences, and learning to make friends with
feelings, your own and other people's, too.
2.What emotions are ...Ifeltirritated
you feeling? andimpatient... Challenge 4. Translate your (and other
people's) complaints and criticisms into specific
3.What interpreta- ...becauseIwantto
requests, and explain your requests. In order to
tions or wants of startcooking get more cooperation from others, whenever
yours that support dinnerright
those feelings? away... possible ask for what you want by using
specific, action-oriented, positive language
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rather than by using generalizations, "why's," well. Of the billions of questions we might ask,
"don'ts" or "somebody should's." Help your not all are equally fruitful or illuminating; not
listeners comply by explaining your requests all are equally helpful in solving problems
with a "so that...", "it would help me to... if you together. In the second part of Challenge Five
would..." or "in order to... ." Also, when you we explore asking powerfully creative questions
are receiving criticism and complaints from from many areas of life.
others, translate and restate the complaints as
action requests. ...."). ² Deeper levels of this fifth step include
developing the courage to hear the answers to
² Some of the deeper levels of this fourth step our questions, to face the truth of what other
include developing a strong enough sense of people are feeling. Also, learning to be
self-esteem that you can accept being turned comfortable with the process of looking at a
down, and learning how to imagine creative situation from different perspectives, and
solutions to problems, solutions in which learning to accept that people often have needs,
everyone gets at least some of their needs met. views and tastes different from your own (I am
not a bad person if you love eggplant and I
Challenge 5. Ask questions more "open- can't stand it).
endedly" and more creatively. "Open-
endedly...": In order to coordinate our life and Challenge 6. Express more appreciation.
work with the lives and work of other people, To build more satisfying relationships with the
we all need to know more of what other people people around you, express more appreciation,
are feeling and thinking, wanting and planning. delight, affirmation, encouragement and
But our usual "yes/no" questions actually tend to gratitude. Because life continually requires us
shut people up rather than opening them up. In to attend to problems and breakdowns, it gets
order to encourage your conversation partners to very easy to see in life only what is broken and
share more of their thoughts and feelings, ask needs fixing. But satisfying relationships (and a
"open-ended" rather than "yes/no" questions. happy life) require us to notice and respond to
Open-ended questions allow for a wide range of what is delightful, excellent, enjoyable, to work
responses. For example, asking "How did you well done, to food well cooked, etc. It is
like that food/movie /speech/doctor/etc.?" will appreciation that makes a relationship strong
evoke a more detailed response than "Did you enough to accommodate differences and
like it?" (which could be answered with a disagreements. Thinkers and researchers in
simple "yes" or "no"). In the first part of several different fields have reached similar
Challenge Five we explore asking a wide range conclusions about this: healthy relationships
of open-ended questions. need a core of mutual appreciation.
"and more creatively..." When we ask ² One deeper level of this sixth step is in how
questions we are using a powerful language tool you might shift your overall level of
to focus conversational attention and guide our appreciation and gratitude, toward other people,
interaction with others. But many of the toward nature, and toward life and/or a "Higher
questions we have learned to ask are totally Power."
fruitless and self-defeating (such as, parents to a
pregnant teen, "Why???!!! Why have you done Challenge 7. Adopt the "continuous
this to us???!!!"). In general it will be more learning" approach to living, making better
fruitful to ask "how" questions about the future communication an important part of your
rather than "why" questions about the past, but everyday life. In order to have your new
there are many more creative possibilities as communication skills available in a wide variety
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of situations, you will need to practice them in Conclusion. The creative wave. I hope the
as wide a variety of situations as possible, until, information and exercises in this workbook will
like driving or bicycling, they become "second help you discover that listening and talking
nature." The Seventh Challenge is to practice more consciously and cooperatively can be fun
your evolving communication skills in everyday and rewarding. Just as guitar playing and
life, solving problems together, giving basketball take great effort and bring great
emotional support to the important people in satisfaction, so does communicating more
your life, and enjoying how you are becoming a skillfully. As you begin to brighten up your
positive influence in your world. This challenge worlds of family and work interaction with the
includes learning to see each conversation as an new skills described here, you will be carrying
opportunity to grow in skill and awareness, each forward the creative explorations of the many
encounter as an opportunity to express more psychotherapists, teachers, scholars and peace
appreciation, each argument as an opportunity to activists whose inspiration and assistance have
translate your complaints into requests, and so made this Workbook possible. . May your life
on. be a blessing to the people around you.
² One deeper level of this seventh step
concerns learning to separate yourself from the
DennisRivers
current culture of violence, insult and injury,
and learning how to create little islands of SixthEdition
cooperation and mutuality. January2008
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Introduction exercise. Before you continue reading, take some time and write down the ways in
which you would like to improve your communication and interaction with others. For example,
what are some situations you would like to change with new communication skills?
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THE SEVEN CHALLENGES WORKBOOK -- WWW.NEWCONVERSATIONS.NET
Challenge One
LISTENING MORE CAREFULLY AND RESPONSIVELY
SUMMARY(repeated from Introduction)Listen worthwhile as a way of letting people know that
first and acknowledge what you hear, even if you care about them. Our conversation partners
you don't agree with it, before expressing your do not automatically know how well we have
experience or point of view. In order to get understood them, and they may not be very good
more of your conversation partner's attention in at asking for confirmation. When a
tense situations, pay attention first: listen and conversation is tense or difficult it is even more
give a brief restatement of what you have heard important to listen first and acknowledge what
(especially feelings) before you express your you hear. Otherwise, your chances of being
own needs or position. The kind of listening heard by the other person may be very poor.
recommended here separates acknowledging Listening to others helps others to listen.
6
from approving or agreeing. Acknowledging In learning to better coordinate our life activities
an-other person's thoughts and feelings does with the life activities of others, we would do
not have to mean that you approve of or agree well to resist two very popular (but terrible)
with that person's actions or way of models of communication: arguing a case in
7
experiencing, or that you will do whatever court and debating. In courts and debates, each
someone asks. side tries to make its own points and listens to
the other side only to tear down the other side's
points. Since the debaters and attorneys rarely
have to reach agreement or get anything done
together, it doesn't seem to matter how much ill
will their conversational style generates. But
most of us are in a very different situation. We
probably spend most of our lives trying to
arrange agreement and cooperative action, so we
need to be concerned about engaging people, not
defeating them. In business (and in family life,
ChallengeOne -- Listening
too)thepersonwedefeattodaywillprobablybe
the person whose cooperation we need
By listening and then repeating back in your 8
tomorrow!
own words the essence and feeling of what you
When people are upset about something and
have just heard, from the speaker's point of
want to talk about it, their capacity to listen is
view, you allow the speaker to feel the
greatly diminished. Trying to get your point
satisfaction of being under-stood, (a major
human need). Listening responsively is always across to a person who is trying to express a
6 7
While at least some people have probably been For a sobering and inspiring book on this issue, see
listening in this compassionate way over the centuries, it Deborah Tannen, The Argument Culture: Moving From
was the late psychologist Carl Rogers who, perhaps more DebatetoDialogue. New York: Random House. 1998.
8
than any other person, advocated and championed this The now classic work on cooperative negotiation,
accepting way of being with another person. For a that includes a strong emphasis on empathic listening, is
summary of his work see, On Becoming a Person: A GettingtoYes:NegotiatingAgreementWithoutGivingIn
Therapist's View of Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton (2nd ed.) by Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce
Mifflin. 1995. Patton. New York: Penguin Books. 1991.
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strong feeling will usually cause the other x still leaves you with the option of
person to try even harder to get that emotion saying yes or no to a request.
recognized. On the other hand, once people feel x still leaves you with the option of
that their messages and feelings have been saying more about the matter
heard, they start to relax and they have more being discussed.
attention available for listening. As Marshall
One recurring problem in conflict situations
Rosenberg reports in his book, Nonviolent
is that many people don't separate
Communication, "Studies in labor-management
acknowledging from agreeing. They are joined
negotiations demonstrate that the time required
together in people's minds, somewhat like a
to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when
two-boxes-of-soap "package deal" in a
each negotiator agrees, before responding, to
9 supermarket. The effect of this is, let us say,
repeat what the previous speaker had said." (my
emphasis) that John feels that any acknowledgment of
Fred's experience implies agreement and
For example, in a hospital a nurse might say,
approval, therefore John will not acknowledge
after listening to a patient:
any of Fred's experience. Fred tries harder to be
"I hear that you are very uncomfortable right heard and John tries harder not to hear. Of
now, Susan, and you would really like to get course, this is a recipe for stalemate (if not
out of that bed and move around. But your disaster).
doctor says your bones won't heal unless you
People want both: to be understood and
stayputforanotherweek."
acknowledged on the one hand, and to be
The patient in this example is much more likely approved and agreed with, on the other. With
to listen to the nurse than if the nurse simply practice, you can learn to respond first with a
said: simple acknowledgment. As you do this, you
may find that, figuratively speaking, you can
"I'm really sorry, Susan, but you have to stay
give your conversation partners half of what
in bed. Your doctor says your bones won't
they want, even if you can't give them all of
healunlessyoustayputforanotherweek."
what they want. In many conflict situations that
What is missing in this second version is any
will be a giant step forward. Your conversation
acknowledgment of the patient's present
partners will also be more likely to acknowledge
experience. your position and experience, even if they don't
sympathize with you. This mutual
The power of simple acknowledging. The
acknowledgment can create an emotional
practice of responsive listening described here
atmosphere in which it is easier to work toward
separates acknowledging the thoughts and
agreement or more gracefully accommodate
feelings that a person expresses from approving,
agreeing, advising, or persuading. disagreements. Here are three examples of
acknowledgments that do not imply agreement:
Acknowledging another person's thoughts and
feelings...
Counselor to a drug abuse client: "I
hear that you are feeling terrible
x still leaves you the option of
right now and that you really want
agreeing or disagreeing with that
some drugs. And I want you to
person's point of view, actions or
know that I'm still concerned this
way of experiencing.
stuff you're taking is going to kill
9 you."
Marshall B. Rosenberg, NonviolentCommunication:
ALanguageofCompassion. Del Mar, CA: PuddleDancer
Press. 1999.
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Mother to seven-year-old: "I know want or feeling that appears to be at the heart of
that you want some more cake and the experience. For example:
ice cream, Jimmy, because it tastes
so good, but you've already had "So you were really happy about that..."
three pieces and I'm really worried
that you'll get an upset tummy. "So you drove all the way over there
That's why I don't want you to have and they didn't have the part they
promised you on the phone. What a let-
any more."
down...
Union representative to company "Sounds like you wanted a big change
owner's representative: "I under- in that situation..."
stand from your presentation that
"Oh, no! Your dog got run over. You
you see XYZ Company as short of must be feeling really terrible..."
cash, threatened by foreign
competition, and not in a position to The point here is to empathize, not to
agree to any wage increases. Now I advise. If you added to that last statement,
would like us to explore contract "That total SLOB!!! You should sue that
arrangements that would allow my person who ran over your dog. People need
union members to get a wage to pay for their mistakes, etc., etc., etc.", you
increase and XYZ Company to would be taking over the conversation and also
advance its organizational goals." leading the person away from her or his feelings
and toward your own.
In each case a person's listening to and
acknowledgment of his or her conversation Other suggestions about listening more
partner's experience or position increases the responsively:
chance that the conversation partner will be As a general rule, do not just repeat
another person's exact words. Summarize their
willing to listen in turn. The examples given
above are all a bit experience in your own words. But in cases
long and include a where people actually scream or shout
declaration of the something, sometimes you may want to repeat a
few of their exact words in a quiet tone of voice
listener's position or to let them know that you have heard it just as
decision. In many
conversations you they said it.
may simply want to If the emotion is unclear, make a tentative
reassure your guess, as in "So it sounds like maybe you were
conversation partner a little unhappy about all that..." The speaker
with a word or two will usually correct your guess if it needs
that you have heard correcting.
and understood
Listening is an art and there are very few
whatever they are experiencing. For example, fixed rules. Pay attention to whether the person
saying, "You sound really happy [or sad] about
that," etc. speaking accepts your summary by saying things
such as "yeah!", "you got it," "that's right," and
As you listen to the important people in your similar responses.
life, give very brief summaries of the
experiences they are talking about and name the If you can identify with what the other
person is experiencing, then in your tone of
voice (as you summarize what another person is
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going through), express a little of the feeling "I want Zebra! I want Zebra!" she moaned
that your conversation partner is expressing. again. Then she started to cry, twisting in her
(Emotionally flat summaries can feel strange safety seat and reaching futilely toward a bag on
and distant.) the floor where she'd seen me go for snacks.
Such compassionate listening is a powerful "I know you want Zebra," I said, feeling
resource for navigating through life, and it also my blood pressure rise. "But he's not in that
makes significant demands on us as listeners. bag. He's not here and I can't do anything about
We may need to learn how to hold our own it. Look, why don't we read about Ernie," I
ground while we restate someone else's said, fumbling for one of her favorite picture
position. That takes practice. We also have to books.
be able to listen to people's criticisms or "Not Ernie!" she wailed, angry now. "I
complaints without becoming disoriented or want Zebra. I want him NOW!"
totally losing our sense of self worth. That By now, I was getting "do something"
requires cultivating a deeper sense of self worth, looks from the passengers, from the airline
which is no small project. In spite of these
difficulties, the results of compassion-ate, attendants, from my wife, seated across the
responsive listening have been so rewarding in aisle. I looked at Moriah's face, red with anger,
and imagined how frustrated she must feel.
my life that I have found it to be worth all the After all, wasn't I the guy who could whip up a
effort required. peanut butter sandwich on demand? Make huge
Real life examples. Here are two brief, true purple dinosaurs appear with the flip of a TV
stories about listening. The first is about switch? Why was I withholding her favorite toy
listening going well and the second is about the from her? Didn't I understand how much she
heavy price people sometimes pay for not wanted it?
listening in an empathic way. I felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I
couldn't get Zebra, but I could offer her the next
John Gottman describes his discovery that best thing -- a father's comfort. "You wish you
listening really works: "I remember the day I had Zebra now," I said to her. "Yeah," she said
first discovered how Emotion Coaching [the sadly.
author's approach to empathic listening] might "And you're angry because we can't get
work with my own daughter, Moriah. She was him for you."
two at the time and we were on a cross-country "Yeah."
flight home after visiting with relatives. Bored,
tired, and cranky, Moriah asked me for Zebra, "You wish you could have Zebra right
her favorite stuffed animal and comfort object. now," I repeated, as she stared at me, looking
Unfortunately, we had absentmindedly packed rather curious, almost surprised. "Yeah," she
the well-worn critter in a suitcase that was muttered. "I want him now."
checked at the baggage counter. "You're tired now, and smelling Zebra and
"I'm sorry, honey, but we can't get Zebra cuddling with him would feel real good. I wish
right now. He's in the big suitcase in another we had Zebra here so you could hold him. Even
part of the airplane," I explained. "I want better, I wish we could get out of these seats and
find a big, soft bed full of all your animals and
Zebra," she whined pitifully. pillows where we could just lie down." "Yeah,"
"I know, sweetheart. But Zebra isn't here. she agreed.
He's in the baggage compartment underneath
the plane and Daddy can't get him until we get "We can't get Zebra because he's in
off the plane. I'm sorry." another part of the airplane," I said. "That
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makes you feel frustrated." "Yeah," she said 'Maybe . . .' To each maybe I answered:
with a sigh. 'Be realistic. Neither of us is willing to make
the sacrifices to raise a child.' She allowed
"I'm so sorry," I said, watching the tension
herself to be convinced, silenced the voice of
leave her face. She rested her head against the
her irrational hopes and dreams, and terminated
back of her safety seat. She continued to
the pregnancy.
complain softly a few more times, but she was
growing calmer. Within a few minutes, she was "It has been many years now since our
asleep. 'decision,' and we are still together and busy
with our careers and our relationship. Still no
Although Moriah was just two years old,
children, even though we have recently been
she clearly knew what she wanted -- her Zebra.
trying to get pregnant. I can't help noticing that
Once she began to realize that getting it wasn't
she suffers from spells of regret and guilt, and a
possible, she wasn't interested in my excuses,
certain mood of sadness settles over her. At
my arguments, or my diversions. My validation,
times I know she longs for her missing child and
however, was another matter. Finding out that I
imagines what he or she would be doing now. I
understood how she felt seemed to make her
reassure her that we did the right thing. But
feel better. For me, it was a memorable
10 when I see her lingering guilt and pain and her
testament to the power of empathy."
worry that she missed her one chance to become
a mother, I feel that I failed an important test of
Sam Keen describes a friend's lament love. Because my mind had been closed to
about the consequences of not listening anything that would interrupt my plans for the
deeply: "Long ago and far away, I expected future, I had listened to her without deep
love to be light and easy and without failure. empathy or compassion. I'm no longer sure we
made the right decision. I am sure that in
"Before we moved in together, we nego-
refusing to enter into her agony, to share the
tiated a prenuptial agreement. Neither of us had
pain of her ambivalence, I betrayed her.
been married before, and we were both involved
in our separate careers. So our agreement not to "I have asked for and, I think, received
have children suited us both. Until... on the forgiveness, but there remains a scar that was
night she announced that her period was late and caused by my insensitivity and self-
11
she was probably pregnant, we both treated the absorption."
matter as an embarrassing accident with which
[Workbook editor's note: I have not included
we would have to deal. Why us? Why now?
this real life excerpt to make a point for or
Without much discussion, we assumed we
against abortion. The lesson I draw from this
would do the rational thing -- get an abortion.
storyisthatwhateverdecisionthiscouplemade,
As the time approached, she began to play with
they would have been able to live with that
hypothetical alternatives, to ask in a plaintive
decision better if the husband had listened in a
voice with half misty eyes: 'Maybe we should
way that acknowledged all his wife's feelings
keep the baby. Maybe we could get a live-in
rather than listening only to argue her out of
helper, and it wouldn't interrupt our lives too
herfeelings. Whatlessondoyoudrawfromthis
much. Maybe I could even quit my job and be a
story?]
full-time mother for a few years.'
10
From The Heart of Parenting - How to Raise an
Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John M. Gottman with
11
Joan DeClaire. New York: Simon & Schuster. 1997. From ToLoveandBeLoved, by Sam Keen. New York:
Pages 69 & 70. Bantam Books. 1997. Pages 138 & 139.
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First exercise for Challenge 1: Active Listening. Find a
practice partner. Take turns telling events from your lives. As
you listen to your practice partner, sum up your practice
partner's overall experience and feelings in brief responses
during the telling:
Your notes on this exercise:
Listening Meganne Forbes
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Second exercise for Challenge 1: Learning from the past
with the tools of the present. Think of one or more
conversations in your life that went badly. Imagine how the
conversations might have gone better with more responsive
listening. Write down your alternative version of the
conversation.
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Suggestionsforadditionalreadingonthetopicoflistening.
The following books can be found around the world, new and used, via the online Global Find-A-Book service of Human
DevelopmentBooks,Berkeley, the publsher of this SevenChallengesWorkbook. If you are reading this document as a PDF
file on an Internet-connected computer, you may click on the book titles below to bring up a Global Find-A-Book page for
each title. Otherwise, please visit the Reading List section of the www.NewConversations.net web site, or use the information
provided below to locate these books in local libraries and/or bookstores..
AreYouReallyListening?:KeystoSuccessfulCommunication
By Paul J. Donoghue, PhD, and Mary E. Siegel, PhD.
Listening is an essential skill worth every effort to learn and to master. Listening takes us out of
our tendency toward self-absorption and self-protection. It opens us to the world around us and to
the persons who matter most to us. When we listen, we learn, we grow, and we are nourished.
Why do we often feel cut off when speaking to the people closest to us? What is it that keeps so
many of us from really listening? Practicing psychotherapists, Donoghue and Siegel answer these
questions and more in this thoughtful, witty, and helpful look at the reasons why people don't
listen. Filled with vivid examples that clearly demonstrate easy-to-learn listening techniques, Are
YouReallyListening?is a guide to the secrets and joys of listening and being listened to.[From
thepublisher,SorinBooks]List price new, appx. $16. ISBN: 1893732886.
TheZenofListening:MindfulCommunicationintheAgeofDistraction
By Rebecca Z. Shafir.
What do family members, coworkers, and friends want most but seldom get? Your undivided
attention. Poor listening can be a cause of divorce, depression, customer dissatisfaction, low
grades, and other ills. This Zen-based, practical guide will help you build relationships, sharpen
concentration, create loyal clients, strengthen negotiating skills, hear what others miss, and get
them to hear.[Fromthepublisher,QuestBooks]Listpricenew,appx.$16.ISBN:0835608263.
TheWisdomofListening
Edited by Mark Brady.
In this thoughtful anthology, eighteen contemporary spiritual teachers explore the transformative
effects, and the difficulties, of skillful listening and suggest ways in which becoming a 'listening
warrior' -- someone who listens mindfully with focused attention -- can improve relationships.
Free of religious dogma and self-help clichés, the essays are inspiring, intelligent and accessible.
[fromthebackcover] List price new, appx $17. ISBN: 0861713559.
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THE SEVEN CHALLENGES WORKBOOK -- WWW.NEWCONVERSATIONS.NET
Challenge Two
EXPLAINING YOUR CONVERSATIONAL INTENT AND INVITING CONSENT
SUMMARY(repeated from Introduction)Inorder present in the conversation and more able to
to help your conversation partner cooperate with either meet our needs or explain why they can't
you and to reduce possible misunderstandings, (and perhaps suggest alternatives we had not
start important conversations by inviting your thought of).
conversation partner to join you in the specific
Many good communicators do this
kind of conversation you want to have. The explaining intent/inviting consent without
more the conversation is going to mean to you, giving it any thought. They start important
the more important it is for your conversation conversations by saying things such as:
partner to understand the big picture. If you need
to have a long, complex, or emotion-laden "Hi, Steve. I need to ask for your help on
conversation with someone, it will make a big my project. Got a minute to talk about it?"
difference if you briefly explain your "Uh...Maria, do you have a minute? Right
conversational intention first and then invite the now I'd like to talk to you about... Is that
consent of your intended conversation partner. OK?"
"Well, sit down for a minute and let me
tell you what happened..."
"Hello there, Mr. Sanchez. Say, uh...I'm
not completely comfortable about this job.
Can we talk about it for a few minutes?"
"Hi, Jerry, this is Mike. How ya doin'? I
want to talk to you about Fred. He's in jail
again. Is this a good time to talk?"
Whenwe offer such combined explanations-
of-intentand invitations-to-consentwe can help
our conversations along in four important ways:
Why explain? Some conversations require a
lot more time, effort and involvement than First, we give our listeners a chance to
others. If you want to have a conversation that consent to or decline the offer of a specific
will require a significant amount of effort from conversation. A person who has agreed to
the other person, it will go better if that person participate will participate more fully.
understands what he or she is getting into and Second, we help our listeners to understand
consents to participate. Of course, in giving up
the varying amounts of coercion and surprise the "big picture," the overall goal of the
that are at work when we just launch into conversation-to-come. (Many scholars in
whatever we want to talk about, we are more linguistics and communication studies now
vulnerable to being turned down. But, when agree that understanding a person's overall
people agree to talk with us, they will be more conversational intention is crucial for
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understanding that person's message in words undefined conversation by the force of another
12
and gestures. ) person's talking. It's not universal, but to
assume without asking that a person is available
Third, we allow our listeners to get ready for
to talk may be interpreted by many people as
what is coming, especially if the topic is
lack of respect. When we begin a conversation
emotionally charged. (If we surprise people by by respecting the wishes of the other person, we
launching into emotional conversations, they
start to generate some of the goodwill (trust that
may respond by avoiding further conversations
their wishes will be considered) needed for
with us or by being permanently on guard.)
creative problem solving. I believe that the
empathy we get will be more genuine and the
And fourth, we help our listeners understand
agreements we reach will be more reliable if we
the role that we want them to play in the
give people a choice about talking with us.
conversation: fellow problem solver, employee
receiving instructions, giver of emotional As you become consciously familiar with
support, and so on. These are very different various kinds of conversational intentions, you
roles to play. Our conversations will go better if will find it easier to:
we ask people to play only one conversational
role at a time. x Invite someone to have one of a wide
range of conversations, depending on your
Getting explicit. Often people conduct this
wants or needs
"negotiation about conversation" through body
language and tone of voice during the first few
x Agree to someone's conversational
seconds of interaction. But sin